2014

I used to scoff at what the rest of the world embraces at the close of every year. Most people (Survey Says!) tell themselves they’re going to lose weight and start and exercise regimen only to fall off their solemn promises before January’s last day. There are other resolutions about relationships, vocations and making more money but my resolution this year is to live one day at a time. Not to say I don’t have a plan or goals for the year but each day I resolve when I open my eyes tell myself I am grateful and thanking God that all my bodily functions are in order. That to me is more important than anything else. If I stay grateful everything else my Higher Power (that I choose to call God) will bestow on me.  Granted it that it might not necessarily be everything I want but in the words of Mick Jagger just what I need. 

Oh and I will resolve to drink more water, eat sensible meals and think about nourishing my body before I take to my Schwinn. 

62.9

As I leave the 3rd year of my sexagenarian decade I am in wonder about a number of things. Firstly it’s my health, which is amazing! I feel better now at almost 63 than I did when I was in my 50s. The main ingredient has been spin class and my dedication okay obsession with it. And truth be told we have to be obsessed if we are in pursuit of any meaningful goal.  I knew that when I took up spin class in January of 2010 that it was my opening to get back to the fitness I enjoyed as late as my 40s. But because of knee problems I was forced to give up running which had always served me well in keeping my weight down and my stamina up!

Our health is not always based on how we work out of course. It can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. And since we only have today I will enjoy my good health as long as the man upstairs deems that I can keep it.  I never take it for granted. AA taught me that and it has been my credo ever since I joined that fraternity some 8,888 days ago. I am still in awe and wonder that I have stayed stopped. 

 A loved one is facing the challenge of his life right now and he makes me realize more than ever that our future is never a guarantee. We expect to live long lives we never think about dying until the unthinkable happens. I have joked about the “stick is getting shorter” referring to how much more time I might have given the number of spins around the sun I’ve already been privilege to but now the sense more than ever now of my own mortality.  We all die that is one of life’s guarantees but now that it’s closer than the start of my journey here on earth I try to cherish each day. 

 Now when I’m faced with a situation that I think will affect my well being I don’t panic like I used to and I quickly remember the phrase: God doesn’t take us this far to drop us on our heads. I sometimes recite that in Jack’s brain and it gives me relief from just about anything that is worrying me. The other quote from childhood has me a believer that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle which echoes the mantra that I am not alone.  

At 62.9 I feel pretty spry if not limber (but that’s my own fault) and when I get vain and think I need to lose a few more pounds I try to muzzle it and tell myself to get a grip. I mean there are a few things I could do like drink more water eat and more complex carbohydrates but I don’t feel like I have to pass on that black and white cookie all the time. 

Rise of the Phoenix

I can’t remember a more tumultuous year than 2013.  It started out on a high note and went downhill in quite a precipitous fashion. Hopes became curdled milk and the smell of spoiled promises left me wondering why I trust anyone’s covenants except for an exception or two. 

Along came a man that I have always trusted in the past and a year that seemed like a hopeless situation became an opportunity for me to do what I do best. And that is pitch the 9th. I didn’t have to find an audience he put me in front of them and for that I will be forever grateful. He recognized what I have always known and that is my God given talent. Hell will have to freeze over before I bobble this ball.  

In 6 months I have returned from purgatory and my penance is up.  Rising like the Phoenix I am. 

Ice Cream Man in the Sky

I hear the sound of the ice cream man and his cacophony of sleigh bells echoes inside my head. He rang them with purpose to attract our little child senses. In the hollow of our mind he resides. It takes me back to a simpler time when each life task presented itself in real time not like it is today with the rapidity of a machine gun leaving us numb in its wake. Trying to hold onto a sense of reality leaves many stones unturned. Some we have no choice but to leave them to gather moss.

The ice cream man in the sky will always float endlessly in the hard drive of my memory banks. At least I knew when life wasn’t a whir, double click, boink. I feel sorry for those people that don’t know who Steve McQueen was or think that The Breakfast Club is an old movie.  I may be a dinosaur but I am so glad I knew how Lassie raised her paw at the end of the show. God life was so different then it makes me cry.  The ice cream man in the sky may have passed on to the great beyond but he lives on and on right here with me. 

More Lives Than a Cat

As we approach the “silly season” I have had some time to reflect just how blessed I am. There is no doubt in my mind that Angels are watching over me because if I were a cat I’d be on my 3rd set of 9 lives. I am so convinced of that. On a daily basis I feel like I am rescued. I do get bounced on my butt but I always seem to land on my feet again. The only thing I can attribute this to be is that I am here to do more work. Whether it is in my chosen field as a financial professional or through my writing or whether it’s to help another alcoholic. I also know its not about me its about what I can give not what I can get. I’ve also learned that if I stay with that mindset my life will continue to be beyond my wildest dreams. 

I See Things Differently Now

There are so many things that are well just different now.  It would take a long essay to explain what has changed in my life. I think one thing that has made a huge difference psychically is attending church again. In that vein I signed up as a lector to read passages from the big book. Those two things have given me a satisfaction that is virtually incalculable. It is an inner serenity that feeds off my continued sobriety. 

There are many transgressions in my life that I have asked forgiveness for and although there is no way to undo the hurt to those I have wronged I can only pray for their forgiveness one day.  For my part I have to forgive myself otherwise I will be in torment the rest of my days. That will serve no purpose for the life God gave me and I must make the best of my allotted time. 

I see things differently now and for that I am so grateful.  

Splendor in the Grass?

Love is a funny thing complicated by the sex act. Once we add sexual intimacy the implicit and explicit rules of the road although paved with good intention often have us walking on broken glass as we become deaf, dumb and blind.  Love is like splendor in the grass at first but we as serial monogamists often wind up feeling twisted, betrayed and asking why me?  

 It’s so much easier to love someone platonically and escape the yeoman like work that sex carries with it. I’ve often felt like the pages of romantic love are as numerous as Dickens’ Bleak House a story we’d rather watch than turn over pages endlessly.  But is this what love ends up as a pain in the ass? Platonic love on the other hand is love light. There’s relatively no responsibility other than to feel good in their presence or smile when we simply think of them when we’re not. Separating the mind from the body is like tearing duct tape from our chest there’s just no way around the pain.  Romantic love is like the thrill of the rollercoaster on the downward drop only to be jolted when the ride stops. 

It doesn’t have to be like that but often is. Some of the angst, the pain, and the anger though are well worth it. I say that with tongue in cheek because as humans we cannot live without love nor can we live without the human touch of another. Those conversations in our head when we say to ourselves that we don’t need the headache are often obliterated simply by the next kiss.  

Having said these depressing thoughts I end with the idea that I do know now what true love is or what my splendor in the grass is.  It’s having that person in every thought, breath and beat of your heart. Even though you’d like to push them down the stairs in a wheelchair at times. Fortunately we can’t be committed for what are thoughts are but love is indeed a conundrum.  

Between Heaven & Earth

Between heaven and earth is a lonely place and one of frustration as well. The inability of being able to do something that is tangible to the conscious mind can be a bedeviling experience. So many parts of our lives are measured by what we do and what we produce whether it is money or in the pursuit of it. Everyday life makes it difficult to just be and relax. Knowing when to let go when you’ve done what’s humanly possible doesn’t seem to relieve the constant pressure of trying to succeed. The measuring stick never seems to be calibrated in numbers we can be sated with.  

Without You Part I

On a late night run I played this remix version of the David Guetta-Usher collaboration and it metaphorically lit my incandescence. 

There is someone in each of our lives that when we think of them not at our side fills our hearts with anguish and the cascade of tears down our cheeks. It is sometimes a very helpless feeling that we can neither change nor ameliorate except through the memories of all the good times we have spent with that person. It could be anybody a father, mother, grandparent, spouse or even the closest friends. Point is we cannot escape being without someone. Tis’ a fact of life all things must pass.  There are those that have vanished out of our lives we are eternally grateful having spent shared breathing time with. There are those too that disappear that we hardly notice until a random thought brings them back out of the shadows of our memory.  

I still struggle with not being able to say goodbye because I think its too painful to let go even when there seems no alternative not to. We rationalize keeping them in our sphere of love because we don’t want to hurt them and we think by holding on we will discover a way to right a sinking and capsized ship. All I succeed in doing is hurting them more and adding to my own resistance and resentment as I wrangle with a way to keep the status quo.  I’ve often said that every relationship has its expiration date.  I have often left things in the fridge long past the spoil date just because I don’t want to spill the coagulated blood.  I’d rather deal with the open wound than let healing take place and deal with the often very visible scars.  

Purging the Soul

There is something about writing that purges my soul. When I am at a loss for words I know that I am truly up a creek without a paddle and the hole in the boat tells me that I had better either start bailing or putting a plug where the water gets in.  

My Conundrum

Attempting to makes sense out of my emotions can be a huge conundrum for me especially when I am dealing with the female of the species. They continue to be the most perplexing mind bending creatures that cross my visceral threshold. No matter how intelligent I fashion myself to be the other gender has me painting myself into the corner where the paint never seems to dry. 

Eventually like all things the upset passes into the deep dark night but so many things remain hanging in the balance. I am forced to retreat into the safety zone of those things I know best isolation, my writing and of course spin class. Maybe I am just not cut out for relationships even though I have always wanted one with a woman that truly understood me as I have tried to understand them.  I must shoulder the complete responsibility because my sober life now 24 plus years now will not allow myself to blame anyone but yours truly. 

So What's the Problem

So what’s the problem? Doesn’t that question invoke a negative connotation? And does it not have us focus on what’s wrong instead of what is working? Is there a better question? Some might say asking what the problem is gets to the heart of the matter quickly. I beg to differ. 

A better query might be: How do we solve this? In this way you put ice on the swelling and enroll your loved one, business client, friend into being part of the solution instead of having to be defensive or making a bad situation worse. Two heads are better than one and by asking how we can fix it you validate their feelings and get them to focus on the desired outcome.  

False Evidence Appearing Real

The acronym that FEAR means false evidence appearing real is probably one of the best I have ever heard in AA. Not only does FEAR plague the recovering alcoholic in early sobriety but with old timers as well. This old timer is one. I know I am not alone but I certainly feel I am when I build a case of panic on sand. In fact I cannot remember one time where the altered state of fear ever justified the terror that I put my body through. 

Just today when someone wouldn’t talk to me by denying they knew me sent shock waves through my solar plexus. I gave complete credence to this one individual (who I hardly knew) that his simple act of denial would bring chaos to my business life based on no evidence whatsoever. My creative mind couldn’t imagine what in the world he might be so upset about that he would deny my very existence. It didn’t make sense on any level and that should have been my first clue. However if my rational mind couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation that was of no consequence I would invent one out of thin air regardless of how implausible.  

The quick end to this story was that the only mystery that remained was why this man pretended he didn’t know me when we’ve spoken on the phone and met several times in the past month. When the fear left my body it was as if an entity had left my corporeal structure. Fear when confronted with the truth flees like the coward it is. If fear was a coat I seem to put it on as if it was protecting me from a cold blast of artic air. Trouble is I am manufacturing a lie based on no substantiation. If I had actually done something to warrant fear I don’t think I would have felt quite as put upon because I would know that it would come around eventually. Maybe because things are going so well self-sabotage has a hand in keeping me from feeling happy, joyous and free.  

False evidence appearing real and even a greater fear when there is no evidence at all.  

When I give in to fear I am clearly lacking faith I need to remember that too!

JPG

I am so blessed to have found or rather more accurately been found by my trusted friend and colleague Joe Guarino. I’ve known him for nigh on 18 years now and although I never worked directly with him before now I’ve always admired his honesty and his undaunting energy of trying to do the right thing. He never in my eyes got caught up in the greed that is pervasive in our business. He is transparent and even when he could be justifiably self centered he chooses the high road instead and he shares like no one I know. He makes me want to rise as high as my God given talent will allow. 

I’ve always been a lone wolf a one-man band now for the first time in my business life I can be part of a team. It takes courage for me to be a group member but I am embracing it whole heartedly because Joe makes me feel that working as part of a team will bring my clients more and satisfy my wildest dreams as well.  Letting go of ego is a difficult task in the insurance world but being a cast member with my own specialties I don’t have to rely on skills I simply don’t possess.  

I believe in signs and Joe arrived just in time before I gave up chasing the ghost of Christmas past. Now I can share my talents with those that don’t have what I possess and I in theirs. It’s comforting to know I don’t have to be the producer or the director I can do what I love to do and that is to pitch the 9th.  Yes I haven’t felt this good in 10 years and this time I don’t think there will be any side effects.  

Enough is Enough

When I heard this Barbara Streisand-Donna Summer song today in spin class I almost wanted to throw up. I am so tired of these anthem songs against men that are not only outdated but one sided. Distaff dissertations on relationships that went wrong just because the gender was male don’t sit right in the 21st Century or any century for that matter.  

I have to tell you that it is men that need to sing their own songs of enough is enough. Women do not by any means have exclusivity over someone did me wrong. I have made many choices in my life and there are many that I regret and I had plenty of help from the women in my life. 

 The woman in front of me in class today was lip-synching this song word for word bobbing her head back and forth as if she was personally wounded and still carrying around the resentment some 30 years later. I am sure she put just as much of a monkey wrench into that love affair she can’t seem to let go of either.  

Enough is Enough.

Emotional Chaos

You’re in it and when it hit you were not ready for it.  Since I am lacking in the skill of common sense I usually over react and wind up doing more damage to my physical body when I am emotionally disturbed than I could ever imagine. I am blessed with a decent set of grey cells but when my heart speaks my head gets paralyzed and my intelligence goes to sleep over camp.

It was oh about 15 years ago when I first discovered that I could experience more than one emotion at the same time. Women do it like its second nature but when I was fully cognizant that it was indeed possible my life changed. Mostly for the better because I learned the skill of setting aside one emotional outburst and step into the person that was watching my illogic get played out. It is as if I were two people in the same body with two brains operating at each end of the seesaw. What that gave me is the ability to see both sides of an opinion, a diametrically opposed belief and someone else’s emotional chaos. A great skill was born and it usually had the effect of lowering my emotional temperature. 

However I am human and When Love Takes Over emotional chaos can be the result.  It is for me instincts in collision and after a time interval I start to recover but the repercussions can last for hours or even days. Some might say that I bring it on all by myself by the choices I make. I think my energy tells me instead that for the first time in my life I am alive. Living life in moderation may be healthier in the long run but even the long run in the life of a human is less than a blink on the universal clock.  

Love & Sentiment

I do get quite balled up in unraveling these two.  Having self determined that I am afflicted with the character trait of empathy I sometimes see it as a curse because I am weighed down as if I had a ball and chain attached to my ankle. Empathy makes me who I am so I am not trying to repress or deny this trait that is innate to my psyche but it does get in the way often. When I get mired in the feelings of another I feel I am sometimes debilitated in making decisions that are not only beneficial to me but also to those I love and have sentiment for as well. And there is no denying that those we have sentiment for we love or are in love with as well which makes deciding a course of action even more difficult.  

I can’t make someone do what they need to do to make themselves happy because well it’s simply not my job and to assume that it is my job is lunacy because I cannot control things, places and least of all people. Some may claim that I am responsible for their happiness or lack thereof but I don’t want that on my conscious because it’s selfish and quite egomaniacal to think that I have that power over anyone. And so sentiment has to be regulated into something I take into consideration but I cannot let it become daunting wherein I cease to progress along my own timeline whatever course that might be. I pray on this daily and I must trust my messenger angels on this.  

How Can I Be Sure?

How do I tell someone that I care for that they have gone wrong? How do I have the right to make assessments about them and not appear to be in any way judgmental? One way to assure this doesn’t happen is by making sure that I am not trying to feel superior to them when I make those observations. That is I have no agenda other than their well-being. It is unavoidable that judgment of any kind can get me into trouble lest I be judged myself but to sit idly by when there is a chance by an intervention that I can help would be a greater disservice and I would be misrepresenting myself as a caring man if I sit on the sidelines and do nothing when by taking action I felt I might be of some help. 

In order to bolster the idea that I should do or say something would be to check the veracity of my judgments by sharing with another whom I respect and value that their responses will not result in hyperbole and exaggerate an already tenuous situation.   Although that can be a slippery slope because when trying to verify my thoughts I must take an inordinate amount of care that I do not appear to be a gossip. So often we as humans can engage in schadenfreude in trying to feel superior but we must trust those we impart our confidences to that they keep our words in confidence and be an active listener to what their thoughts are on the subject in order to keep our own judgments in perspective. 

Expiration Date Part III

Some have asked me privately if it is they that have reached their expiration date.  I tell them no because those that have don’t ask the question they just vanish without a word. The expiration date is everywhere. On the food we buy, the medicine in the chest above the sink and most vividly in the relationships we hold dear and those that we simply temporarily fancy because they suit our mutual purpose. 

The expiration date is inescapable there are no exceptions the perplexing part is that there is no stamp when the milk is spoiled. I can’t for the life of me know when it’s time to let go and that is why I keep the onion in the fridge long after it’s grown eyes that can’t see. I am blind because my heart bleeds but I also know that all things pass and all things have an expiration date.  

Spin Doctor

My paternal grandfather lives within me each time I take fingers to keyboard or moving lips to my vocal chords. Some think of me as their own personal word master asking me to craft the right words to say. I know I don’t possess this power it is only a perception. What I do have is the gift of making words land softly so that the listener hears the message not an agenda.  Grandfather showed me just how to validate the feelings of others and yet persuade them to see more of what they really want.  

A spin-doctor carries a negative connotation but I try to play my records at the right RPM most days and if I’m lucky without skipping.  

My Life

Where have I been all my life? I know I have lived it but somehow it escapes me why I did some of the things I did. Some acts were extremely egregious to those I have loved and those that have loved me. I can only pray to make amends now to my heavenly Father because many have turned a dear ear to me. It is not a case of “poor me” rather it is accepting the responsibility and being able to move on despite the pain I have caused.  I never meant to hurt anyone and I also know that I am the only one that knows that truly. Some might love me and some might hate me but one thing is for sure they all knew I passed through their lives for better or worse.  

I am on a new path this I know and with a Rosary in my pocket I choose to pray as my childhood religion taught me. Together with sobriety prayer is part of my life and I know my angels have been working overtime for years. It is now time for them to rest but I just hope they keep one eye open in case I forget to keep my head where my feet are as I so often still do.  Some one told me that my angels are with me now I just hope I can make them feel at home.  

Our Expiration Date

We all face the same fate our expiration date. Whether it is the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, and end to a career, losing a job we loved and the ultimate expiration date our own life. 

You’ve heard the expression: Everybody plays the fool, there’s no exception to the rule. Well the same holds true when the sands of the hourglass are in the bottom of the receiving globe. Some of these expiration dates can signal the end of lives, as we knew them. 

We might have a dream life all of our wishes have come true and as we navigate this idyllic life without so much as our hands on the wheel something unexpected happens and we are lost and can’t make bare steerage way in the waters of our altered life.  

We can choose the easier softer way and just let life pass us by or we can claim responsibility for our part and take action and let the results take care of themselves. The oars are there we simply must pick them up and row and not expect rescue simply because we are feeling sorry for ourselves. The pity pot is one we swim in alone and there’s no need to drown in our own wading pool.  

Our expiration date will one day be at hand it’s what we do with each day beforehand that insures regret is the last thing on our mind. 

Shark's In the Water

The year was 1975 and just two years earlier The Exorcist had terrorized America but before we could breathe a sigh of relief Steven Spielberg tattooed us with high anxiety about going in the water. I recall one scene where one of the swimmers knew the shark was hot on her frantic kicking feet and as the camera scanned back and forth from the shark to her and the waiting floating dock no one was sure if she would make it before she was literally devoured by  Jaws  from the bottom up. The brave kept their eyes open but if you were like most of the audience your hands never moved faster blocking your view of the big screen.  

Fortunately there’s no terror closing our eyes in spin class and what so appeals to this rider is the fact that I can see more with my eyes closed than with them open. Today as I concentrated on my pedal stroke I could feel my toes floating in the shoe box where I never gave even a passing thought to that nuance before and it was merely indicative of my heightened attention of just how deep my focus has become.  Breathing in through the nose has always been a daunting task for me and it was only through a determined conscious effort was I successful for a few minutes in the 60 minute ride.  Now though with assistance from our sensory deprivation technique of   closing our eyes even breathing in from the nose becomes a more natural experience. My sensory acuity takes on another dimension now as my effort has risen beyond what my body thought was the limit. Now I am convinced I have broken through a wall and I see a higher sky even with my eyes closed.  

Dana’s discography was flawless today as each song she plated fit the choreography of her deeply cognitive instruction. 

Inside the Pain

When I heard these words I said: Oh yeah! God does that make sense I thought. The alternative, avoiding the pain or trying to fight the pain was not courage it was in fact cowardice. Yes that’s right you heard me correctly. Resisting pain unless we are Zen masters is futile. In fact surrendering to the pain carries with it priceless experience and motivation. Because when we surrender to the pain, it loses its power over us. Let’s examine that. When we struggle against it pain becomes a more formidable foe.

Think about it. We create a resistant energy that becomes fuel for pain. We think it lessens or alleviates some of its force. Oh but quite the contrary, pain sucks up resistance like oxygen added to a fire. It becomes a bigger inferno! The protection mechanism, the defensive posture that we adopt to avoid the pain gives it a wonderfully robust added excruciation.

Little do we know that if we slip into the pain we start to lessen its vice like grip and we can start to use its energy for our own purposes? Imagine having power over the pain. Think of the things we could do as we start to function in extraordinary ways that the pain kept us from even imagining.

What do I mean though? Let’s take my spinning class as an example into our little expose. When I get in that seat I know that not only will I not move from that spot I am in physically atop that stationary bike nor will I be able to get out of the seat to take a breather. After all I am locked in via my shoe clips and there is an inner voice that I must obey when Kristen says reach down for “more road” I am compelled to turn that resistance knob to the right. Now I hope I have set the stage for you because in her class pain is inevitable.

I try not to look at the clock via the mirrors in the cycling studio for at least what I perceive to be 15 minutes because that gives me time to adjust to the discomfort that I start to feel in the sides of my feet and how quickly my breathing starts to get out of control. Or as Kristen says “touching anaerobic” Touching it? I am caught in its web. She says breathe in through your nose and I see this as an exercise to deepen my characteristic shallow breathing.

As my discomfort sets in, I become accustomed to the feeling. And my brain starts to function inside the pain. This is not to say that it doesn’t exist but because I have accepted the pain I no longer have to think about avoiding it. Its just there and I can start actually thinking I can take on more pain. Because what lies beyond pain? Whoa have I ever given thought to that? I can eliminate death for sure so what does lie beyond pain? I think it’s a new set of rules that I can write. Because once I have surrendered to the pain, I might not only be able to tolerate it but also become stronger living with the pain instead of something I dread. Yes that’s it I befriend the pain because it starts to tell me where I am and I can start to see even greater God given talents I have never explored.

Bare Steerage Way

There comes a time when a relationship will not respond to the helm and if there’s not enough freeboard between the deck and the waterline it’s a long drop to the sea. Winds blow and no matter how true the course the ship heads for a dead reckoning beyond the blue horizon.  Narrow straits can be tough to navigate and if there’s not a give and take a collision is bound to sink what might have been a blissful voyage.  

God Willing

This past week I watched with more patience and tolerance (mainly because of prayer) the further disintegration of the man I once called my Dad. This being occupies his body but his speech and memory have been redacted and even he cannot put the words together to utter anything but when is breakfast, lunch and dinner.  

One source of anguish is that there are intervals when he is cognizant that his short-term memory is gone and that the content of each conversation we speak becomes lost like the steam one breathes on a cold day. Increasingly now a memory from the past will arrive on the doorstep of his consciousness and he becomes obsessed with the idea that visitors are about to arrive and as he checks his watch he will even pinpoint their arrival time. 

The filter of social etiquette is gone and as he becomes more and more combative the challenge of not engaging him is a double-edged sword: anger for him and frustration for my sister and her husband of endless patience. How my dear sister and brother in law have managed his care these past 7 months is beyond comprehension. The week away for them was long overdue.  When I arrived to take on the second day of relief my youngest sibling as she exited the driveway was exclaiming: I’m free! For most of my stay he was manageable so long as I kept him busy with as many morsels of food he could consume and I made sure that if there was a baseball game on he was watching it. 

The most painful task is at hand which is a home for those afflicted with dementia. We visited one and as if my mother was by my side during our tour a beautiful patient stepped in our path and told our guide that she was afraid. I looked on in amazement as her hand was gently clasped in reassurance and within a moment a gentle staff member took her from our midst in a way that gave me a live illustration as to how my father would be cared for. 

I have been praying to my departed mother for guidance and I am not ashamed to say that I wish God would call him home but its clear he’s still here for a reason and I am sure it will be revealed to us God willing.  

My Angels

When push comes to shove it’s not hard to understand that neither is necessary most times. Things happen without us getting in the way. Snow melts in April and 9 times out of 10 we don’t have to lift a shovel.  The universe takes care of what we need but the rub is that we lack the faith to wait. This is not to say that we don’t put the footwork in  the results are not up to us but with right intention God has a plan for us. 

I have learned to pray and let the hand of God or if he’s too busy my angels, which are all around me all the time. I ask and the answers and the things I need just seem to appear. No not the lottery or things I think I want but what I need. Prayer moves mountains and like the show in April I probably don’t need that shovel.  

Swim or Sink

Timing is everything and no-thing. Be careful what you wish for you just might get it. These two phrases hit me square in the eye this afternoon. When we make up our minds energy is set in motion and there will be times that it will not align with someone else or even the universe. It’s a good thing to find out where people stand when you take one because they might be just too afraid to make a decision themselves. And that’s okay because not everyone is capable of making decisions because they might not be ready  to make them. I on the other hand have made mine and just like I decided to put down the drink 23 years ago I have made another and I will swim even if others might choose to swim away or sink.  

New Years Resolutions

What did I learn this Christmas season? Well for one thing I know to trust my intuition. The signals I receive are sometimes in English and are easily understood. If I didn’t think it it’s probably my intuition speaking to me. I know that when FEAR drops in for a visit it’s not intuition because the universe doesn’t speak with emotion just information.  

I was watching an old Abbott & Costello movie and when Lou asks Bud to answer the phone Abbott replies it hasn’t rung yet. Lou shoots back why wait until the last minute. Of course to complete the joke the phone rings right after their exchange. Point is when someone crosses our minds its probably our turn to either call them or we can expect one from them. Interesting the way the cosmos keeps us “in touch” with those around us. 

I got away from my original question as to what I learned this Holiday Season? Well secondly   I know that my common sense is still mired in atrophy, as I am just the Absent Minded Professor or Magoo as some might be more inclined to say. I just don’t keep my head where my feet are.  I am constantly misplacing the same things over and over and over again. As to why I can’t seem to remember where my keys, wallet and phone are is beyond me.

Thirdly my prevarications accomplish nothing but havoc, hurt and anger upon those that love me. I might as well be Pinocchio. I try to cover my own loose ends but since there are so many it gets pretty crowded on Jack’s highway. My road is paved with good intention but it never seems to turn out that way. And while I am on that subject I am going to make a concerted effort to keep people that use me for my time, wisdom and patience without reciprocity out of my life.  I am not America’s substance abuse counselor or psychiatrist, not yet anyway. When I engage in these time wasting intervals I am left with resentment and that is a place I just cannot be.  

And so for 2013 instead of “winging it” I will simplify my life by making better decisions when it comes to romance, friendship and transparency. I will make a resolution to stop texting while driving (even if stopped at a red light) put my keys, wallet and phone in the same basket every night. Most importantly I am going to learn to say NO and be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel good instead of feeling fat  which is what I usually engulf myself in. These hardly seem like lofty goals but for this sexagenarian it is essential if I am to make it in one piece into the next decade.