Across the Universe

The distance between where I was but a week ago and where I am right now feels like across the universe. As I meet situations head on and leave reticence aside for others to calculate I am finding that my ruminating about the subjects becoming virtually pain free and I have been able to leave taking responsibility to those that own it in the first place. I have so often looked for my culpability in every scenario.  I always find myself at fault in some way whether it is the proximating cause or specifically the cause. And as I am discovering I have been overcompensating way too often. I will of course take responsibility when I could have generated better results or I am engaged in mental or physical lethargy. This new course will change my thought process and give me more time to focus on what’s really important and not what actions those that could have acted on their own recognizance. 

The Journeyman

This weekend has brought me a sense of family back into my life even if it is not permanent in nature.  Nothing is permanent anyway but when we think things are about to change we focus on the future rather than be in the present moment. I have to stay rooted in the now because as I age even though I only have today my life feels ever more fleeting as one thing begins while the other is ending.  I don’t know where I am headed but I do know that my Guardian Angels are all around me and even if I don’t know the destination the journey will be a guided by province. 

Objurgation

After receiving two fierce objurgations from my soon to be ex-Sister in law last night, and a very spirited gesture with her middle finger I realized that I must have meant more to my blended family then they let on.   

My wife’s sister was no more than window dressing in my life for the past 13 years and we never had more than throw away dialogue between us. Although she and her husband always opened her home to me and for that I will always be grateful for. Outside of that she will be no more than a faint memory to me as time marches on. 

I was not enamored however with the fact that she alluded I was drinking.  I may be lousy husband material but breaking my sobriety was not something that was ever considered. She though might take a look at her own drinking patterns because I think that was the only reason she was able to summon the courage to accost me. I do want to thank her son for trying to restrain her as her husband stood by as the usual spectator. In truth it did hurt but even people I have little or no respect for seem to be able to attack my self-esteem. And maybe that was the lesson I have to learn.  I told my wife last night because I didn’t want her to hear it second hand and told from only one point of view. 

Spin class did help me erase what was truly a hateful little interlude. 

The Salt of Tears

Sadness comes in many forms and today it arrived in a package that I can’t seem to open because I am missing the dexterity to put it back in its original form.  I could never realize why a woman would want to be associated with me in the first place. Outside of kindness and a limited sensitivity I am not a captain of industry nor am I independently wealthy even though my grey cells are greater than the average Jack.

I have decisions to make and they’re not going to be easy. Do I sublimate my own needs to repair those of my significant other? She is a sweet vulnerable soul that makes my heart cry. Or do I keep on keeping on trying to raise my own sinking ship?  I have to think of myself first and that might require the most painful of choices.  

Angels in Conference

What has happened to me in the last few weeks has been nothing short of miraculous. It’s not what you might think and even though my relationship status has changed I will always be part of the past 13 years. I gave my heart and soul and that story will never be erased no matter how high the tide rises.  

As per usual I have gotten off topic again. As I was saying something happened in the past few weeks and just as if an 800 lb. Gorilla entered the room without me knowing it I feel like I have gotten off my own back.  Things are still nascent and my angels are in conference right now as we speak. I am relying on them more now and asking less and less questions. I know that they are there to guide me and I don’t need to know what the next chapter and verse is.  

I Love William Faulkner

Taking a page from William Faulkner I just love to sit and write without a plan without the editor inside my head that often stifles my afflatus. Well intentioned although it might be my ego cannot write nor can it edit. 

I know that purposeful writing has its place in my daily scribes, like I do when I write about spin or if I am talking about A.A. or mindful or fanciful entries but I think the best of me lies in what the universal mind offers me when the words just flow without coaxing without squeezing and without editing.  

A Thicker Stick

The major change is subtler now but the idea that I can do exactly what I want even if I don’t know what it is makes my day expand in ways that I never knew existed. Not to say that being married to my gentle soul my wife did not have many fantastic moments because they did, but now I can find out where I need to go in terms of what I need to make myself happy. One might conclude it’s all about sex but in truth that’s not it. I have had more than my fair share and that is not braggadocio just the path I found myself on because I did not work out my relationships with women tracing my history back to the death of my sister in 1969. She was my confidant and when she left this earth I never grieved her passing properly (whatever that means) and it left me angry and confused as to how I related to the opposite sex. But I have gotten on a tangent as I usually do and suffice it to say that my stick might be getting shorter but it just got a whole lot thicker.  

None of My Business

They say they’re not reading my Jacbook but somehow I just don’t believe it. Maybe my stream of consciousness entry threw them all off earlier this week. I don’t want to seem like what I write is all that important albeit entertaining but there is nothing to indict my character with now and it’s useless to continue to monitor me.  And what my detractors have to say and think about me is none of my business. This phrase is a great one that anyone can use in their daily lives because no matter how many people like you there are always going to be some that are indifferent and some that really abhor you. 

I have a new lease on life but let it be said that it is not without regret that I have another failed relationship.  Many times those in pain can only see what’s in front of their own mirror. It’s too bad really but we all are egocentrically one-dimensional at times. 

The Firebrand

The impetus has been set from a quarter of the divine. The resting place has found my heart open where there was no door.  Turning a knob where there was no handle gives me the entrance of a lifetime once thought gone with 30-inch pants.  The fatted calf stripped to the bone within an inch of my life fell into the complacency of a burgeoning body that stretched to hide my indignation and shame. No one was saved only the thoughts that were pervasively black were extinguished. The firebrand, which turned to ice, came back as lukewarm indifference.  Afraid of my natural sun gave me only clouds to see when dawn broke.  

Nights and the days carry the harbinger of awakening the giant that only lifted the weight of others. Releasing my charges under their own recognizance feels like the lioness letting go of her cubs to forage from a distance but always secretly wishing for no untimely deaths. Still afraid I am that I let go before things might have changed in the forest before I saw my own open field.  A deep breath is my only reprieve from the guilt my father gave me that ties me to the post with the chains of missing my own song before I have to start humming the words.  

My legacy has not been disembodied like the boy who cried wolf exclaimed. Too many false positives I have fallen victim to only to embrace the fear my body automatically embraces  when my coffee cup begins to tip.  Let the mercury fall, it never seems to wander far from the scale of the universe of justice.  Never have I been given an assignment that left me unconscious.  Or as A.A. told me countless times: God doesn’t take us this far to drop us on our heads.  That might seem a bit concocted but when the seesaw seems stuck in the down, a counter weight takes me back to water shifting back to the levels center.  And balance has always been restored in short order even when I think the sweep hand has stopped and I think I am paralyzed.  Motion creates emotion and my own footwork takes me from the pain of my not noticing. The darkness was only my shadow when my angels were showing me the lighted path.  

Anguish

It’s not a good time the last 24 hours in the world of Jack. Watching her in pain is one of the most difficult things for me to witness, feel and absorb. To think that I am the direct cause of a woman’s anguish that I have loved for 13 years is more painful than I could have imagined. I am not living the life of Jack the lad like she may think but I am trying to make room in my head that I can become the affable man that God created. It’s not that she kept me from that, I would never blame her for anything negative it’s just that I became a hermit and withdrew so completely I nearly drowned myself treading the water of which is my life.  There’s more pain to come I imagine and what road I take will likely be one that is paved before me with little time to ruminate over. I will just have to keep moving to make progress in pursuit of an uncomplicated life with open doors and windows.  

Badgering Wolves

The book on Jack has me up before dawn has a chance to crack. The wolves of worry came nipping at my feet as I broke from REM sleep, and as I took in the deepest breath they disappeared as the sun crept under my window shade. They never have the courage to talk when I stare directly into their satanic eyes

The Dark Dance

The book of Jack never felt like it does right now. I can hardly believe the transformation that my mind has gone through in the last capsule of time. I was content to mark time and wait for an outcome I had hoped others might lead me to. When I realized that I was going nowhere except on a merry go round I knew that I had to let go of not my love for my family but that I did have to release myself from the shackles only I had the keys to.  

Life has shown it’s opening and I have to walk into my own clearing but it is my fervent wish that those that loved me find it in their heart to forgive me one day but it is not my province. It is my wish however that love finds them in the same light I look upon as I see my own heart beating to a melody that has me dancing in the dark.   

My Black Cat

Cat #3 the one I refer to as 47 cards still loves me. Sidney named after one of my favorite actors came meowing at my door tonight asking in his best feline voice to come in. Of course I granted access and all he wanted was a mega dose of affection, which I quite frankly have been withholding for the last 6 weeks. Not willfully mind you but nonetheless I felt his need and for about 5 minutes he paraded around my legs begging for as much touch as I could dole out. And as is their wont cats get their fill and then leave unceremoniously. He did just that but thought better of it because not 2 minutes later he was verbally knocking again and this time he jumped over my keyboard and had his way with me and I of course acceded to his wishes. This time he pursued a full court press and drooled just like a dog would until he was sated. Then he left again. Bottom line: he made me feel oh so good.