It’s a mid-winter predawn Sunday and what becomes nascent as I sit here is a yawn of ambivalence about living the life of risky behavior and the craving for the peace and serenity of living without concern for the consequence of that behavior. The animal in me is a spontaneous creature that lives without borders while the primitive man I am seeks the safety of a ritual life filled with consistent love and attention that goes unabated with time.
This spontaneity I crave loses its dimension when it’s repeated even a second time. What seemed impetuous and filled with desire yesterday carries no compulsion in the next. Is it the excitement or the novelty that obfuscates the danger? Or do I unconsciously answer that question with blatant disregard because I think I am a rebel despite my advancing years? Those advancing years are just throwaway dialogue because as I leave one genre a next one appears with the same players with new faces.
Always seeking a plan for the future I live day to day. My AA spinal chord gives me the permission I can fall back on that tells me I only have today. But it is in this day-to-day that I risk the hearts and minds of those that love me, while I struggle to accept that I must love myself first. That self-love eludes me even though I love my life that I grouse and complain about when I think I am being shortchanged emotionally and for my hierarchy of needs. Maslow has a great example in me.
Rebel perhaps or your "child" acting out. Why is the question? Did you not do these things in your earlier life and must accomplish these mile stones, or tasks as you will in order to move on? John was a "good boy" ?
ReplyDeleteYour "spontaneity" is not at all spontaneous it is a pattern. Take a closer look Purely short tern observations and reaction to blogs. I could be completely wrong?