I Feel

It’s a mid-winter predawn Sunday and what becomes nascent as I sit here is a yawn of ambivalence about living the life of risky behavior and the craving for the peace and serenity of living without concern for the consequence of that behavior. The animal in me is a spontaneous creature that lives without borders while the primitive man I am seeks the safety of a ritual life filled with consistent love and attention that goes unabated with time. 

This spontaneity I crave loses its dimension when it’s repeated even a second time. What seemed impetuous and filled with desire yesterday carries no compulsion in the next.  Is it the excitement or the novelty that obfuscates the danger? Or do I unconsciously answer that question with blatant disregard because I think I am a rebel despite my advancing years?  Those advancing years are just throwaway dialogue because as I leave one genre a next one appears with the same players with new faces. 

Always seeking a plan for the future I live day to day. My AA spinal chord gives me the permission I can fall back on that tells me I only have today. But it is in this day-to-day that I risk the hearts and minds of those that love me, while I struggle to accept that I must love myself first. That self-love eludes me even though I love my life that I grouse and complain about when I think I am being shortchanged emotionally and for my hierarchy of needs. Maslow has a great example in me. 

The Stick is Getting Shorter

I experienced a birthday like no other this Wednesday. Usually round numbers with a 0 attached become significant starting at 30. With all kinds of metaphors mostly ones that stick us with the gentle barb that we are leaving youth behind. However, this one hit me particularly hard trans liminally and I was not prepared. I experienced fear and exhilaration with barely any separation between the two extremes. And because of my heightened awareness I was able to be fully associated and be the witness to it as well. 

Age is just a number is all I heard on Wednesday and that may be so but the stick is definitely getting shorter. And I think I have a firm grip on the reality that I have to keep my gaze fixed on the road ahead and pay as little attention to that rear view mirror lest it distract me from keeping my generativity alive. I never want to feel stagnation or worse yet despair. I am still young enough to contribute to those I love and have positive influence on and for that I can stay in the moment and be eternally grateful. 

The stick is getting shorter but the day I reached 60 I had so many Hallmark cards in writing and in my ear, it made me cognizant that people know I am here and I am not just a man slipping into dare I say old age. Yes there are those that good naturedly call me “old man” but those are the ones that love me the most so I never take it in any other vein, because I must give them meaning in their life as they do in mine. 

Self-Aggrandizement

It all comes down to the fact that for all intents and purposes despite my character defects and shortcomings I am a good man. On balance the scales tip in that direction.  After the  time of strife and the anger or resentment is over it’s just too hard to hold onto any lasting hostility towards me .  People will inevitably see that it is near impossible to dislike or hate me unless they have unnatural props to support that ill will towards me. This is not an exercise in self-aggrandizement. It is simply my way of understanding what logic dictates and that a man in touch with his anima has no intention to hurt anyone only himself.  

Isolated

It’s interesting to note that some people in my life like to think they can exercise power over me. Of course it’s not the truth but I have ambivalent feelings about it as well.  It is very much like the paper tiger in that they think have control over my emotions when in fact they don’t but since I am in touch with my anima I am hesitant to react or even respond. 

When I am expected to be the initiator all the time it gets old. My family does it to me and my blended family does it to me as well. They either don’t know me very well or they are just ignorant. Either way they are in for a rude awakening one day and I will never say I told you so but they will have to live with the days they ignored me or tried to punish me, because it will never work. Not with me anyway.  

I am alone here even though I pay all the bills they choose to isolate me except when they need me to do something for them. I am tired of being the talent that everyone just assumes I will rise to when they need me.  

Bradycardia

A 9:15 morning spin today. The CS is one place where I have no outside thoughts or worries. Kristen often talks about keeping the outside world where it belongs, out.  Indeed I do because I don’t bring in my 4G phone or any other distraction except my HR monitor which I haven’t got the hang of yet. 

My body looks smaller in the mirror as I sit in that front row. My shoulders have lost that inflated look and I am starting to shrink before my very eyes, and I like it. A trip to the cardiologist this past week had me feeling even better as he pronounced my heart strong and sound. My HR was under 60 and my irregular EKG is regular for me. I just have to remember to take my 5 mg pill each day and limit that caffeine intake. 

There are plenty of healthy distractions that have entered my life and I just need to keep the focus on myself and keep my head right size and not get too caught up in anything whether it appears to be positive or negative.  Just put the footwork in and listen to my inner guides for inspiration. 

Tied to the Whipping Post

I never thought that I would live day to day again like I did when I first got sober. I often thought that in those early days of sobriety that just waking up without regret was good enough after the life I lead. Now however I am a grown up man of almost 60 and although I say that facetiously I feel like a beginner again. 

Maybe it’s because the economy is so uncertain and I can’t seem to keep myself occupied enough with people to see for my financial business or maybe it’s because my life is so unsettled and the parasites that inhabit my life just don’t know when to leave the host. I keep providing the environs for them to remain without any concern on their part as to what it is that makes me happy. I guess my wife would say that I am doing what I want so that should make me happy. However, I can’t do what I want because I am still shackled to my own whipping post and I am doing the whipping. 

It’s funny to watch me write without a concern for metaphor or feeling the need to entertain those I write about or feel close to. They have come to expect from me stories and now (and this might be my imagination), to provide them with my own personal energy as well.  The question of my own direction beyond this day-to-day existence that I have carved out for myself has me quite frankly baffled. More as it unfolds in my Jacbook.  

Unconditional Love

I love when the snow keeps me from thinking or worrying about what I need to do especially when my work is quiet.  I never have the same feeling day to day and I guess that means that I am still growing. No one is up again except for the cats and me and I am alone with my thoughts but only after all my chores are done. What is good about the chores I perform is that it gets me grounded in some way.

I never have resentment about them because then I wouldn’t be able to do them with love and with felines they can sense when you are doing things for them out of care or out of obligation. I am obligated to them it’s true but since they are in my care I want to do it like they would with unconditional love. Sometimes they keep me sane when I feel isolated from my own family. 

Light's On and Somebody's Home

It’s never too late to change. Even I can. The way I write has to evolve if I am to attract an ever-wider audience. I will still rely on my channeling to provide me with the gift of wordsmith.  It is those words that I have to turn inward so that I can see what’s going on  inside of me. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If I can chronicle what’s going on in the lives of others and I am not in their lives just imagine what I can do if I turn the light on in mine.  

I Do Have a Hard Head

Slipped and fell on my head today as I turned the corner to enter the shower and the staff at Equinox including Dennis, (P.T) Louis and Jared were welcome faces to see as I lie prostate on the floor.   I caution all of you to either wear flip-flops or go real slow in the shower area. The maintenance staff can only do so much and the floor is usually slip proof. Today however, I hydroplaned and there I was flipping in mid air.  The EMS was there in virtually minutes and Frank and two NCPD’s ushered me away to the hospital.  An hour and a half later I was pronounced concuss free and now I won’t miss the 8:30 KSC tomorrow. After all I did get up at 6:30 to secure bike #3 and I just couldn’t let that go to another.  I just had to stop back from the hospital and tell Jared, Dennis and Louis thanks and that I was ready for more action. 

 A Sunday that had me flat on my back literally and a little bang on the head tells me that I have to really keep my head where my feet are. I don’t have to get too philosophical about it but suffice it to say that I let my emotions run wild just a bit and I have to remember I am not responsible for anyone else’s good time. I think I react naturally and there are times that I feel compelled to entertain others and for that I have to be careful and do what’s in my best interest too. 

What Makes Me Happy?

.  What makes me happy?  It’s been so long that I asked myself that question I am not sure what the answer is. I know that I love to write and take spin class and watch old movies but does that make me happy?  I guess writing and spin do and to a lesser extent TCM does also.  But is that what I need for my life to be fulfilled?  Does anybody really know what he or she needs to make him or her happy?  I suspect that I am not alone in the not knowing. 

Maybe I can start by talking about what I am not happy about as a way to create the antithesis of what does. I don’t want to sound whiny or small but it’s a good a place as any

Cogent

Today found me without a cogent plan of attack and that always seem to leave me with the belief that I am not tending to the future. No there is nothing I need fear about the present moment only the moments that I pretend I know something about.  

When I can be there for someone else it gets ‘me’ out of me.  I am grateful that my higher power gives me that option.  I am not here to plan everyone’s financial future but I am here for a purpose that is not always readily apparent.  I touch many people’s lives in ways that I can never be cognizant of. 

The distance between my most memorable moments in my life are spaced much closer mainly because time is passing so quickly now as my time here on the celestial plane shows more behind me than what is in front of me. I am not concerned however because the people in my life are making each day important, special and in some cases thrilling.  

Make It a Habit

Relative to the last two weeks I am feeling tremendous. I still have that cough albeit intermittently.  My energy levels are near 100% again and the lethargy that I always fear has run and hid under the bed again at least until the foreseeable future. 

Today I feel a little at loose ends without a specific plan in place to move my business to the next level. I have some plans but just not today.  I missed yesterday in my plan to write everyday journal like and I can see already that I don’t give much credence to write just about me as I am to write about or help others. I have to take a bit of my own advice and “love my life” and not just make others have fun based on what I say and write about them. 

I think the way to bring myself to ‘just do it’ is to refrain from my predisposition to write interesting prose and just write basic for my own eyes and listen to what my heart is telling me. 

Moving Forward

Today I woke up later than I have ever in many years. It was perhaps the  medicine for this lingering congestion and cough but maybe my body ordering me to rest and recuperate from the roller coaster that was 2010 and my fanaticism of spinning. 

The holidays are over officially and I do not have the same regret or longing to have them linger I used to. I was hoping to accomplish more this past week with reading and more writing but my heart and head cold kept me from a concerted effort in those pursuits. I have a good head start on the year so I am not currently pressed in my mind about my business and that gives me some solace for now. I also know in my heart if not my head that God does not take me this far to drop me on my head. 

I will listen to my guides as far as what I need to do next. Tripp says do something you’re afraid of everyday I think that this will be my mantra as 2011 heads into high gear. I will pray that my life starts to take shape in a direction that lets me know that I am not just spinning my wheels even though I am content to be on a stationary bike. 

Nonconformity

It is a yet another New Year and I make the following resolutions. I will not sublimate my feelings because someone else needs me to or cannot be exposed to them. If they have chosen me to live with there will be reciprocity and that I am determined to make clear. 

I am going to try and define exactly what my boundaries are. I will simply ask the question to my three guides as to exactly what they are and then build a fence with guards around it. 

I am not going to conform to any standard that is unwritten. If I am not injuring another, as I will always consider another’s feelings anyway I will make sure that I am satisfied first and then work outward for those around me and their satisfaction. The reverse only leaves me with resentment and quite confused as to exactly what I want. 

This journaling I have started I need to continue and make a habit just as I shower and keep my body fastidiously clean, I am going to wash my brain and care less about what others think of me and more of what I think of me.  

To be continued…..