To Be or Not to Be

To be or not to be, that is the question.  Whether it is nobler…I have forgotten the rest of Macbeth’s soliloquy but I don’t think of Shakespeare when I hear this phrase in my mind’s voice box. I hear Mel Brooks (Jack Benny’s version never seemed to enthrall me) in his version of this popular movie with his now deceased wife, serious actress Anne Bancroft. Why is that worth writing about? Not sure really but when words fly into this birdcage I like to be near my word document so that whatever is about to be transcribed takes on a life of it’s own or falls flat like a dead Spalding dropping below its normal high bounce.  

If I am ‘not to be’ how does ‘to be’ really differ?  I think that ‘not to be’ is using my right brain when its clearly left-handed I am.  I get turned around a lot when a fly ball heads my way and instead of following my natural instincts I turn the wrong way round and drop the ball that was clearly catchable. Many errors in judgment I have made when just a little more thought might have hurt someone less or not given them a false hope for some other outcome. I like to think that when its time for me ‘to be’ again that I am off with the crack of the bat and not get a late break and wind up trying to make a shoe string catch that gets past me and goes all the way to the wall.  

Beach Run

After a run 3 mile run on the beach of Treasure Island I was amazed that my spin fitness gave me an uninterrupted jog except for a dip at half way point.  Not two months earlier at the Jersey Shore I was having trouble putting more than a couple of hundred yards together before my reduced HR kept me at a snails pace for my out of breath jaunts. I wasn’t jogging then that was for sure but today I actually think that I might be able to put together a 5 or even a 6 miler before long.  

The water temperature had to have been 80 degrees plus because it felt like a bathtub in the Bay of Tampa. It also gave me pause for that I need to confront my demon, which is hiding out behind the shadow of kindness. Because for most of my life  I cannot bring myself to hurt anyone’s feelings and  I wind up obfuscating the truth and causing more damage than the hurt feelings I imagined.  This trip has made me reevaluate what is authentic behavior and I realize that I  have not been true to myself and therefore had led others down the garden path thinking I have something else in mind for them and me.  

Departure

Departure from the life I have known for 13 years is by no means an easy one. The memories will last a lifetime as well as the lessons I have learned about myself through the offspring of another man. I hope that he reenters their life and makes up for lost time but those things are out of my control. I will remain on the sidelines in case in the remote chance someone needs my counsel or even less likely advice.  My stepson who I have had many mixed emotions about over half of his lifetime just may turn out to be the voice of reason as I move inexorably to closing out this chapter in my life.  

Emotional Hangover

I have been able to shake off the emotional hangover of late with much less debilitating affects.  Emotional hangovers for me are unresolved feelings and emotions about people, places and things in my life. This past week had me confront my own emotional vulnerability without using my defense mechanisms that have a tendency to prevent me from seeing the situation in its entire view. As I allowed my tears to fall I found that the next day had me feeling refreshed instead of in the “morning after” malaise.  

The Lodger

There’s something to be said about having a home base. Through my own choosing I have made the unconscious decision to stay away from the home I have become accustomed to being in for nigh on 8 years now. Admittedly even though it has cost our family dearly  I am comfortable in these environs.  When I get up Les Habitants are still in the somnolent state and when I  arrive home all have since retired. I feel like the lodger. 

  

JEM The Mystic

My ex-wife is a mystic in my eyes. I met with her today and she gave me more than I ever gave her beside the heartache and pain. Here’s what she said.  Are your habits stronger than your intention?  And if this is the case (as I silently agreed in my head) then work on strengthening your will. The second precious stone was that: When in doubt cultivate the opposite view. 

I can probably admit that ordinarily my intentions are good but often I am unconscious and my will takes over. My distorted behaviors that I produce wind up leaving people in pain and sometimes very angry. Now I know that this was not my intention but self will run riot precludes any good coming of what starts off as good intention and makes a mockery of my sobriety.  Like my ex wife suggested I will go on and re examine how I can start to strengthen my will.  There are a few thoughts I have in mind and just like my inner resolve that has kept me sober 22 years I can use that design for how I live out the rest of my born days.   

The second piece I will have a field day with and I want to let it gestate for a day or two.  There is more to be said about habits and intention and the link is one that I have never considered and I have to thank my ex-wife the mystic 

Purgatory

I never gave it much thought but that is where I am right now. Virtually alone in a house of four and although I feel like they are all plotting their next move I can’t let paranoia or suspicion haunt me.  They will do what they do and I will keep my resentments at bay because it will serve no purpose but to exacerbate my life situation such as it is right now. My daughter in-law is pregnant much to the  many tears of feeling sorry for herself that she would be barren.  I hope that she learns that her self effacement is a true waste of emotion. 

My stepson continues to be I guess the voice of reason and I am not sure he talks to me  because he lives here in an economically conducive environment or he is truly cognizant unlike others that will remain nameless that I am doing my best in light of this family disintegration. More importantly I do this for my wife who is the only victim here.  I know that by continuing to be the other aspects of my personality that have not changed  will give her some peace of mind as she has much on her table with the health of her own daughter and the impending arrival of the next generation.  

Purgatory does has it perks however so I know that no one is feeling sorry for me but this is no picnic.