Jealousy

A curious emotion this jealousy, because it never brings an announcement when it arrives. No knock, no chime to herald its commencement. Where does it reside in us is my question.  When I have felt it in the past I’ve identified it as a feeling of not having because someone else does. Always feeling disdain as it creeps over me, often with no idea of how to strip it away because like coarse wool it feels so scratchy against my naked skin. 

In my logical state I can isolate this “not having” as a feeling of being afraid of where I am.  When I am enraptured, jealousy can’t be heard because it’s a buzzing in someone else’s ear not mine.  I’m convinced that being fearful of where I am right then is a scary place for me and that if only I was someplace else my satisfaction would not be compromised.  I can’t remember feeling jealous and it being palatable, it always has a bitter taste but yet I can’t get its flavor out of my mouth.  A helpless feeling until it passes, and until I can focus on a new film, this reruns dialogue keeps droning on until I fidget nervously and the only relief for me is a rapid-fire recitation of The Serenity Prayer. 

Jealousy is a sin and when I covet something I see in someone else that does not exist in me, I have lost faith and that is something I can never do without.