Destination Unknown

Today is the first day that I will ask my guides that are three what is it that I need to feel like I am taking care of myself and moving forward in my life?  What do I need to do to let my family know in the most loving way that my needs are not being met.  Simply because I can come and go virtually as I please does not mean that I am happy or that I am willing to take care of only them and not myself.

Even as I sit here and my wife is singing a song that she does every night to our youngest cat. I feel lonely in my own house. When she told me that he (Watson) loves to sit in the corner because it’s his favorite and that I should just move over I felt it was in a microcosm what is wrong with our relationship.  Here is a cat not a human taking precedence over me.  It seems absurd that I even have to talk about it but obviously I do as I sit here and write about it. 

It also tells me that my wife is not all there either and just because she isn’t that doesn’t mean that I have to be her caretaker when no one takes care of me.  The psychic told me today that she saw one of my shoes nailed to the floor and that I am in a sense being held back. How is it that I can be so self absorbed yet not know what I want, where I am going and more importantly knowing where I want to go.  

December 31, 2010

Respite in Deep Snow

Well as today approaches its end I feel like it was just what I needed to remember what life is when there is not much to do.  

I can always take time to draw breath and believe that less is oft times more and that more is never enough.  

I Can't Service All of Your Emotions

My lot in life has given me a job I just don’t want anymore. It’s attending to every emotion that those that depend on me to do by default.  It is my own doing because I allowed these things to transpire without a word for fear I would disappoint them.  In the end, I am the only one that is saddled with disappointment and you can add disillusionment to that as well.  

  Psychology plays a role here because I have this ongoing battle with nature vs. nurture in my own life. I never felt I got enough nurturing and nature has had me confused since I was a teenager.  That is another story for another time but it carries the lynchpin that holds me together, although tethered to a frayed line can give way at any moment. Which is why thoughts of death appear before me with more frequency. I do not have any fear when they do but it signals the inevitable change that life is beckoning me to answer.  

TBC later today

Jealousy

A curious emotion this jealousy, because it never brings an announcement when it arrives. No knock, no chime to herald its commencement. Where does it reside in us is my question.  When I have felt it in the past I’ve identified it as a feeling of not having because someone else does. Always feeling disdain as it creeps over me, often with no idea of how to strip it away because like coarse wool it feels so scratchy against my naked skin. 

In my logical state I can isolate this “not having” as a feeling of being afraid of where I am.  When I am enraptured, jealousy can’t be heard because it’s a buzzing in someone else’s ear not mine.  I’m convinced that being fearful of where I am right then is a scary place for me and that if only I was someplace else my satisfaction would not be compromised.  I can’t remember feeling jealous and it being palatable, it always has a bitter taste but yet I can’t get its flavor out of my mouth.  A helpless feeling until it passes, and until I can focus on a new film, this reruns dialogue keeps droning on until I fidget nervously and the only relief for me is a rapid-fire recitation of The Serenity Prayer. 

Jealousy is a sin and when I covet something I see in someone else that does not exist in me, I have lost faith and that is something I can never do without.  

How Can I Be Sure?

How can I be sure in a world that’s constantly changing what love really means in the 21st century?  Is it the commitment I am afraid of? Or is it the complacency that comes with familiarity after some period of unknown gestation. I think that it’s the unspoken expectations that extinguish the impetuousness of when two people first meet that give rise to contempt if the union is not tended properly. Of course I don’t know what proper tending is but I do know that unless we change our perceptions regularly we lose the surprise of the unknowing and stop trying.  

I also know that I do not trust lust as the basis for any relationship because virtually every time it’s fools gold, and the polish comes off the key leaving blank stares instead of an automatic erection of desire.  My desire has always gotten me in trouble and only when sex is a supporting player does the cinema of true love have a ghost of a chance in my house of Casper.  I like to think that I love with fervor, with ardor and that I put my whole mind and body in even if lose part of me on the way out.  

And then there is the ending that always has a terrible time making its exit.  I never know when The End is. When love is in the epilogue stage I still think that there’s another chapter to read when in reality the cover has been closed for quite some time.  What am I to do then? I think it means that I must start from the end and work backwards if I am to have any chance of finding of what the face of love might actually look like. I like to think that if I do what comes natural first and leave biology for the 7th period instead of my homeroom I will be better off. Indeed love remains a conundrum.  Next up: Jealousy, what does it really mean?

Inspired by an Engineer

Little did I suspect that an engineer might have an ethereal way about her, but she did.