When Blue Skies Turn Black

Meeting love on my two feet gives me the balance to craft my amorous breath in a sustainable bliss even though swept off my feet is the romantic notion dreams are made of like the white knight for her and twinkle of violet in a brown eyed girl.  I can still enjoy the thrill of love while standing up and wide awake because love in dreamscape inevitably has the white cloud turn black under the weight of life on life’s terms. 

Anima vs Animus

A friend suggested that because I was brought up having 4 sisters and no brothers as the reason being why women more than men can identify with me.  There has always been that nurturing side of me that is stereotypically innate in the female of the species and because my formative years were spent in the company of female siblings exclusively I learned to empathize more skillfully than most males that grew up in a more balanced gender setting. This is not without its problems however as I have discovered more of late. Women are much more skilled at multi-tasking and I although am blessed with creative talent, I do not have that complex adroitness that distaffed humans carry like second nature. I am constantly forgetting everything from where my phone, wallet and keys are. Or I leave the house without articles of clothing to change into after exercise and without a conscious plan I tend to drive ad hoc and that has its advantages of spontaneity however it does not carry the fundamental need for practicality. 

This connection to my anima leaves me adrift because often I feel I am in a boat with no oars and without a coxswain to pilot my course. As a man I need to make decisions to let go of people and situations that deprive me of any peace of mind and keep me locked into people pleasing. When I have to make decisions about what to do logically they usually are much easier for me to make than those that face me when flesh and blood are involved.   Running in place never works for me as in most males we need to see and feel we are making progress even if it is sometimes in circles.  

  Nothing is permanent anyway but when we think things are about to change we focus on the future rather than be in the present moment. I have to stay rooted in the now because as I age even though I only have today my life feels ever more fleeting as one thing begins while the other is ending.  I don’t know where I am headed but I do know that my Guardian Angels are all around me and even if I don’t know the destination the journey will be a guided by province. 

A Wry Smile

Today was such a tumultuous one emotionally that I had to make a rather lengthy private entry in my Jacbook II blog, which are for my eyes only. However I can share that a very close friend had a mass said for my paternal Grandfather who up until his death in 1969 was the most influential man in my life.  He gave me many gifts including the gift of conversation and story telling. His wry smile with his lit cigarette in raised hand is one that will live in my memory for the rest of my days. When I heard his name, which is the same as mine, it sent a chill down my spine, as did the week before when my sister’s name was spoken. Her death also in that same year 1969 marked me for life. Losing the two closest people in the world to me scarred me up until this day because I never learned how to channel my sadness and anger at their passing. 

I took to the track this afternoon in an attempt to raise my HR higher so I wouldn’t be so out of breath in one of my other group exercise classes. It seems to be helping as I have been able to raise my HR to 160 and I am now feeling a bit more comfortable in the anaerobic zone.  I did 220-yard intervals with a 110-yard walk for just over 3 miles around the track.  

402 Calories burned and 129-160 range in HR.  

Jack Hard

Tonight in preparation for the next phase of my workout regimen I did 35 minutes of track work including 220/330/440 yard intervals. I did elevated pushups, squat thrusts and dips. 

Kristen handled my initial segment of getting back into shape over the last two and ½ years and now Rocky will take my fitness deep and narrow as I prepare to enter and thrive in the anaerobic zone. At first it seemed daunting especially getting up for a 6 am class now I think I am up and ready for the challenge not many sexagenarians will take on but who is really as insane as I am? Don’t answer that! 

My Body

Just as I feel lonely my friends are there to comfort me as if nothing has happened. Friends don’t have to sleep with us and because of that if we are true to them we need never feel like we have to be anyone except who we are. Sex changes everything and no matter what we say to the contrary it always does and always will. When a man and a woman engage in the act of love a whole different set of rules apply. Some are written and some are not and still others are just assumed. 

I love that I have friends that love me for me and not for some imagined illusion that my body holds. I will never forget that as long as I live.  

I'm Dreaming

I’m dreaming of a new me. I learned a lot this past year and found out that I cannot be controlled in any way shape or form. Not so much because I cannot conform quite the contrary I have conformed to many things but being kept from the things I love because a loved one thought they knew better than I even with good intention had to be let go. I did learn that I have to head towards center and check in with the word moderation because I just avoid that like the plague thinking that I have to do more all the time even when the age on my birth certificate says hold on there Baba Boy! 

The new me will keep some of the habits I learned from my last love and that was more confidence, higher self-esteem, losing significant weight and even the bugaboo for most of my life I’ve stopped biting my nails. I still will sleep like a baby because my heart is true but the idea that I can obfuscate parts of my life so as to prevent people from seeing who I am will be no more. I know what I need and I am on that path now and I will write with the idea that I am to pleasure only me and not what others might like to hear and in so doing I will have those who identify with me rather than those that marvel at my words.  I learned long ago when I wanted to do 2 hours 39 minutes in the Boston Marathon and run up the Empire State Building steps that by simply   envisioning it happened. The new me will learn from the past and I know it’s never too late.  

The Longing

Draped inside my mind I have a dream that’s lucid yet can’t see the light of day. It’s locked and there’s a set of keys that will open that elusive reality that will bring me to the happiness I long for.