The Man In the Mirror

As I continue to lose weight I am beginning to like looking in the mirror again at myself. For so many years I would avoid the mirror whether I was at home or at the gym I made it a point to steer clear of seeing my naked upper torso. If I did have to look in the mirror it always had to be with a shirt on. 

I don’t feel like I am being narcissistic rather I just feel more comfortable in my own skin except now it’s just less of it. Losing weight has also given me a boost for my self-esteem and not hurting my confidence level in my work either. I’ve had less time to write which of course is my deep passion but the writing will always be there God willing.  

Navigating my life now takes almost riveted attention to detail and I find myself not losing or misplacing as many items as I had in the past and maybe just maybe I am getting to keep my head where my feet are.  

The Third Quarter

Is it just a coincidence that I have lost more than 20 lbs. and have had a renewal of my own self-esteem all in a summer that was probably my biggest life change to date?  It might be, but I don’t think so. My days and nights now are filled with a new energy that had heretofore (except for spin class) kept me a self-imposed prisoner on my den couch. Every time someone would come in that side door I would be found invariably sitting in that same spot wondering how life had just seemed to be passing me by.  

Please if you are reading this I am not placing blame on my former situation on anyone except me. It was my own choice as I felt I had simply just run out of them.  Now at 60 I know that my life is in the 3rd quarter and even though I have saved all my timeouts I will not waste another precious minute sitting idly by ignoring the potential God gave me.   

I Feel Like a Slinky

I hesitate writing what happened today in Jacbook because there is absolutely no point to it and would only cause those more angst than what they are experiencing already.  I do feel that as time marches on that the feelings of upset, hostility, hurt and outright rage will settle down as the vagaries of each of our lives takes precedence over our everyday feelings of distorted emotions.

In any event my dysentery lingers on now in it’s 6th day and every time I take in even the lightest of morsels my intestines feel like The Lodger is eviscerating them with his scalpel.  A bit overly dramatic but every time I put something in my mouth the rest of my digestive tract starts its march like a slinky down a steep staircase. 

  

A Plan?

They say I have a plan. What is that exactly? Some plans are plans to do nothing I guess that’s a plan. That would never work for me. However, as far as a definite plan of where am I going or what I am doing? That my viewers I am not very sure of. The more I see the less I know and the more I know the less I see.  

My Rattle

I need my rattle. I don’t think I had one as a baby and right now I would like to make a racket with it. If I have gone off the deep end the fall feels really good I just hope I don’t hit with a thud. However being sick has me realizing the I am vulnerable to slings and arrows and my reflexes are just a bit off but now I am feeling the strength return and will be back in the saddle of my Schwinn soon enough.   

Unlucky 13

Unraveling 13 years is a very sad experience that I don’t wish on anyone. It’s not just the years it’s the memories we have lived through. Now that it is coming to an end bitterly and most recently more acrimoniously it is more painful than ever to look at some of the ‘stuff’ that has accumulated in our home we have lived these past 8 years. 

When the parting is something both want it is never as painful as those relationships that end when one is lamenting of being alone and left to start again. For me it is not about starting again I can never do that. I just want to be happy and for many reasons I just was not. Not one of my blended family will be able to swallow that sentence but they don’t have to only I do. And as bitterly my wife feels about me and despises me for ruining her life she never for a moment can take into account that I do love her and will always love her but I just cannot go on the way things were.  I can be resentful of my stepson and his wife who have sent me to Coventry but have no problem living here these past 3 and ½ years. And as they prepare to finally leave their nest I am sorry that it took my wife and I to part for them to do so. I have done more than my share and no one can tell me different and I wish them well as they finally embark on their own road. 

Blowout

I felt the vulnerability of my life this late morning, as I had to bring my car to a halt on the painted triangle after a pothole annihilated my left rear tire. Although it felt like a safety zone from the speeding cars on the expressway I thought at any moment one vehicle might veer off and claim me.  Of course it was only to be a situation and the solution was close at hand. What I liked best about my reaction was only my concern that I would be late for spin class at 12:15.  It used to be so easy to change a tire when I first started driving now I had to use grey cells and a college degree to unhinge the deceased wheel. I liked it when things were simple, but now design has replaced practicality and it’s just a symptom of a world gone mad when changing a tire is more complex than a differential equation

A Russian Made a Difference Today

There is no doubt that having bronchial asthma takes you off your game. And even though I was on the road for what seemed like an eternity today I was able to muster enough of my congruent sales persuasiveness  to benefit my client and my business spending an hour with a young Russian immigrant who looked more like a young Yul Brynner with his shaved pate. He unlike so many New Yorkers has an open mind to the ways of finance and does not take conventional wisdom as gospel.  

And in a week that should keep me well occupied with business appointments it should  keep my mind off the tragedy of my personal life that some view as entirely my fault. I know it’s not all my fault and in the end that’s all that matters. It still makes me sad that though that some  that think I don’t care, think I am bi-sexual or have started smoking pot just don’t know me.