The Meltdown

Today it really feels like summer is nigh. I can’t wait to get my heart to play along nicely with the rest of my body but right now I guess these things just have to take their course.

 I do feel like a stranger in my own home. Because it always seems that the blended or non-nuclear part of my family has their own agenda that I am not part of. I don’t know if that is by design or if they just cannot relate to me on whatever level they think I am on. It feels uncomfortable to me and I keep asking myself how do I get myself out of this mess without killing myself or shooting myself in the foot while I reside in this place. I don’t mean literally kill myself but I do need to eat and while I continue to pay all the bills and three people rely on my good nature to do so I still want some meals prepared in exchange for the services I provide. I don’t think it’s chauvinistic in any way shape or form. And the time is not propitious for any of us to announce any major changes to  this family because the economics of the deal are just not there. It’s interesting though how I have become the default setting to take care of adults that are still not on their own almost three years into their marriage. I know it sounds like I am grousing again but I can’t help it because any reasonable man in my place would have either had a major meltdown or a fit for the ages. 

Stop A-Fib

So much for Multaq which I thought would and pardon the pun ‘arrest’ my heart problem but it too is not the answer as I have fallen off the rails once again and hit that 200 HR number. I am sprinting from 47 and rocketing into three figures on the most irregular path. My wife suggests that it might be my exercise regimen and I until now never gave much credence to that but maybe that has something to do with it. She said: John you don’t exercise you go crazy. 

 My cardiologist doesn’t seem to know either and he could be   using me as a testing ground for the latest heart medications to hit the market. I am not blaming him after all he has put me through all the tests available and there are so underlying symptoms that would precipitate my atrial fibrillation.  I am at wits end and it would seem that trial and error is the only method available to me now except maybe to have another ablation, which may not even work, and the pain of it is excruciating. I know I had one.  

And here is something interesting I found from Melanie True Hills an award winning author and speaker she writes:

What was most interesting, though, was the relationship of coffee and cardiac arrhythmias, such as atrial fibrillation. According to the site,

“Clinical trials have not found coffee or caffeine intake equivalent to 5-6 cups/d to increase the frequency or severity of cardiac arrhythmias in healthy people or people with CHD. A large prospective study in the US that followed more than 128,000 people for 7 years found no association between coffee consumption and sudden cardiac death. More recently, two prospective studies in Scandinavia found no association between coffee consumption and the risk of developing atrial fibrillation, a common supraventricular arrhythmia.”

So, according to this, coffee, even 5-6 cups per day, doesn’t play a role in developing atrial fibrillation or increasing the frequency or severity of arrhythmias.

When this topic comes up on a discussion forum, someone will inevitably say that they drink as much coffee they want as long as it’s organic or it’s decaf.

What has been your experience with coffee and afib? Does cutting out coffee or caffeine decrease or eliminate your atrial fibrillation? Or does it make it any difference at all?

How many of us grab some coffee when we’re stressed? Could it be stress, not coffee, that’s the culprit (StopAfib.org, 2008

In Close Proximity

When I find myself on my virtual island like I do right now there isn’t much for me to do but continue to write as it always seems to keep me connected to the universe I think has left me in the lurch at times. But I do know better because afflatus and I are getting to be very good friends and I can count on her for touches almost everyday even if I don’t necessarily feel her caress on my cheeks.  

I get caught in the web of physical contact and thinking I need it all the time but in actuality it’s the space in between I need more of because I will never be lonely except when I take my last breath. And what is loneliness anyway but the absences of another body in close proximity and as much as I need that comfort I have to get reacquainted with me myself and I. 

The Locksmith

It was looking like a perfect Wednesday. Suddenly a bike opened up in Kristen’s Spin Class and I hopped in online. I knew that I had to journey to Jersey City and with an hour of spin under my belt I felt like no matter what the traffic threw at me I would be ready. As I searched my trunk for some needed paperwork, I put my phone and keys down in the bed of the trunk while I searched. My inner voices said don’t do that!  My wonderful conscious mind said not to worry I will remember that this vital equipment is where it is before I dare shut that trunk. Well you know this story and as I slammed the trunk it hit me that not only had I locked the keys and phone in the trunk but I remembered that I had also locked the car last night because I had left my wallet there. And so 180.00 later and ripped off I took off for Jersey City and the traffic was nuclear. I wondered where was everyone going at Noon on a Wednesday. Of course this query went unanswered and I found my way changing routes ad hoc and found my destination in the state that usually leaves me in a quandary as I feel like I am driving on 3 routes at one time, never knowing if I am actually headed in the right direction.  

I know that this entry sounds like I am twittering but I am not but I guess it might seem that way. I started this blog to journal my own personal journey but the writer in me can’t seem to keep anything away from my reader’s eyes.  

Taking It to The Streets

Taking it to the streets, well not literally but I have been a little more demonstrative in my personal face-to-face encounters of late. Some do not like the brevity in which they occur but others still can have too much cake and far be it for me to get them sick.  

Multaq

Let me take a look at my life and why my body is telling me something that I am just not sure what the message is. My heart is putting me through the wringer or maybe it’s me doing the bad turn to my ticker.  

I was proactive yesterday as I went back to my cardiologist and he pronounced my EKG the best he has ever seen from me. I attribute that mainly to Kristen and Tripp for getting me in the shape I am in now. I have such a long way to go but these two have changed my life so dramatically it’s virtually incomprehensible. New drug added to my schematic is Multaq. It is an antiarrhythmic med and I am committed to hanging around my fellow spin mates for some time to come.  

Heartbroken

There are times in a man’s life that his heart aches. I am not talking about the physical pangs that this vital organ can give us when it malfunctions, I am talking about the times when we are at wits end as to the road we are on. Regret can shadow our every move and prevent us from taking steps to ameliorate the situation even if we can’t change things, as they exist in their present form.  

I'm Coming Home, But Not Just Yet

A second headache yesterday morning kept me from venturing to spin class. I wonder if it is stress, although I feel none per se. It could be that my atrial fibrillation is responsible for wreaking havoc on the rest of my anatomy. As if the aftershock of Sunday is working its way through the rest of my physiology.  I am only guessing and so I moved up my cardiologist appointment to Monday next. I fear however since my affliction does not carry with it the usual high blood pressure, narrowed arteries, diabetes or even left ventricular hypertrophy (as I once guessed I had) he might have quite the conundrum in diagnosing his next move. 

I do know that I have ratcheted down my exercise regimen just in case I have taken that one step beyond my capabilities in the present shape I am in. Pure conjecture to be sure but backing off just a bit might just be the ticket. I have always had difficulty paying attention to what my body tells me and hence my heart has taken up the dialogue that I am listening to with greater discernment. My sister a lifetime asthmatic died of heart failure after she had fallen unconscious for the fifth time at the age of 50. I don’t think it’s my time to leave this earth but who really knows when God calls us home. 

Inhalation and Exhalation

The intensity in which I live and love my life makes it difficult at times for me to pass time meditatively. I cannot find the balance of the state of a human being and a human doing. I forget to breathe in the fashion that nature intended and that is through the nose. My wont is that every inhalation is very shallow as if respiration is just playing in the background like elevator music rather than a soundtrack. I don’t need to hear every note but certainly be present as I orchestrate the doings and beings that are my life. 

What is very apparent is that my mind when given the opportunity has a life all its own and unbridled from the conscious mind lets the horses of imagination run free. There is no room for the doubt that walks into my thoughts without so much as a knock or introduction. It crowds out the natural ebb and flow that intuition and the universe illustrate with a blue magic marker.  

My Inner Door

Sharing parts of my life that are enclosed within the recesses of my memory get nudged now and then. However, the keys to opening this locked door must be buried beneath the sands of time. There is no purpose to this study, as it would only add fuel to a fire that has long been extinguished. Nothing gained except for use against me in a world that I do not live in anymore. Often I can learn from my mistakes but there are others that are repeated because I have not been able to end the habit or been able to discern why I do them.

The question for my explorers that would have me open sesame is why ask questions you don’t want the answers to. If they are known it is too easy to personalize my actions as a way I distance myself from another. Perhaps there will always be a vestibule between the outer door and the inner door to my heart, but I will invite that select few in as long as they don’t inquire where the furniture came from. 

Dromophobia

When change comes knocking it rarely brings a suitcase because it believes we must leave our baggage behind. What we think we need to bring along would only keep our hearts rooted in the past. And in order for us to move anew we must endure the pain of separation and grief.  No room for socks that have been darned again and again. Barefoot over gravel at first until we have the courage to cross the street of our fears into the new world unfettered by the pain of the past.