When I'm 64

Will you still need me will you still feed me when I’m 64.  When I think that this tune first aired 47 years ago age 64 seemed light years away. It has however been but a blink.

I tell young people that I meet keep your head where your feet are else you will miss the present moment and since they can never be recaptured except as a memory live each breath as if it was your last. 

Tacking to Starboard

There are times we need a change of tack. Instead of pushing against the wind why not use its force to come about and bring a new energy to a tired way of doing things. There are times I get trapped in people pleasing just to avoid a confrontation when all I am doing is not having the courage to establish boundaries. 

The Green Chair

I was in EQ this morning and saw my friend Mary with her back against the mirror suspended in a seated position without a chair and my thoughts flashed back to 1969 and remembered the hazing I went through at SUNY Maritime. The Green Chair was a small form of torture our IDO’s (Indoctrination Officer’s) doled out when we had the misfortune of breaking some arcane infraction during our first two weeks at this military college nestled underneath the Throgs Neck Bridge. Now here was Mary engaging in it willingly as a way to strengthen her core. It’s amazing what 45 years can do by taking an old punishment hazing if you will and make it a modern method on the ever-changing pathways to 21st Century fitness. By the way Mary had 4 different variations on that same drill we loathed. 

Polyamory

Merriam Webster says: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

Yes I know for most of us this idea is any number of adjectives including but not limited to: Impossible, preposterous, immoral and just not right. 

What is true for you might not be true for everybody.  But let’s put arguments aside for a moment and focus on what polyamory can mean to monogamists. Polyamory is not cheating, having and affair or about lying. It is about full disclosure. In fact polyamorists reject most strongly against cheaters. For them there is just no room for these people in their community. 

 No one that is involved in a polyamorous relationship ever has to worry where their romantic partner is or whom they are with. Think of that for a second?  No longer can one lover claim that their partner betrayed them or cheated on them or broke their trust.  And the partner that is engaging sexually with another man or woman no longer has to lie about who they’re making love to. 

Let’s ask ourselves as monogamists this question? Have we only had one sexual partner in our lives? For a small majority the answer is yes but for the vast majority of us we most assuredly have had multiple partners and maybe more than one spouse. What does that make us? Serial monogamists? Here’s another question? Can we probably say that even some of the best marriages over time on balance had an indiscretion or two or three? Does that mean you don’t love your significant other? I can’t answer that for you. And is there any one of us that have had affairs and our partners never found out? Are we still feeling guilty? Polyamorists don’t have guilty consciences.  

So what’s the point? Could it be that some of us are not built for monogamy? We try with all our will to conform to the laws of society but we just can’t. Maybe the answer is celibacy or polyamory. Just a thought.  

Deeply Personal

As I think of my life from a cognitive perspective I know now that I was blessed with an above average intelligence that has shaped how I feel about myself today. I am bright but I realize that there is a limit to intelligence and what it can mean for my social relationships.  I can be as smart as a whip but if I do not use common sense I am doomed to repeat the errors of my youth.  

Emotionally I am able to express myself in a meaningful way through my words of speech and the gift of writing.  I also feel I am on a spiritual path as I try to treat others as I would want them to treat me. I could also say that age has had its benefits as well.  

When I took the Big Five Personality Test I found some veracity in the results.  It concluded that I am open minded, somewhat disorganized, extremely extraverted, somewhat agreeable and relatively relaxed. However I can also say that all of these results can be thrown out the window if you catch me on a bad day. 

Petition

It’s not easy to find the inspiration to write neither everyday nor even every week. I need to allot time each day to put to words my feelings, thoughts and when the spirit moves me the rhythm of life within me. When I wrote KSC this Saturday I liked that I was able to affect a departure from my usual fare in that forum. I even received two comments on that post which I never seem to get on that blog.  I will keep that blog open but for the most part I think that weekly entries or even biweekly stories have about run their course. Else I would still be writing them.  Once in awhile I might splash a story like if K2 comes back into the fold at EQ. I miss her musical acumen and her ability to control the room without being assuming or condescending. The roster is severely lacking without her.  

My life after AA will always be my centerpiece because I have lived that life before and after drink and it just seems more important to me. I also have found that is my most read blog and it is therein that I like to think I am contributing albeit in a small way of my own experience strength and hope. Thanks for reading and I will be back by and by. Oh that K2 story of her return? Let’s petition the powers that be and make that happen. That is if she wants to come back.  

Angels on Earth

Angels work overtime in my life and every time I spot a guiding hand I look up and express my gratitude.   I have several things going for me and my spiritual growth has been a great reinforcer to the fact that I am resilient, persistent and indefatigable. I don’t know what the phrase Give Up means actually. The easier softer way is to opt out at the first sign of any resistance. As a former athlete and marathoner the desire to keep on keeping on has with the Grace of God stayed on my hard drive for as long as I can remember. 

However I know that I am only responsible for the footwork not the results. I also know that those that love me have a hand in my well-being. I will never forget that or them.  

Paul Heidt: My Brother in Law

As John McQueen in my true identity I wanted to post of the passing of my beloved BIL Paul Heidt. He lived a courageous life and finally succumbed this morning to cancer. Paul had an indomitable spirit and was truly an amazing man. A great husband, father and I was blessed to call him my friend. He never wavered in his support for me no matter what I went through these past 34 years. He did it with a humor that always helped me take life so less seriously. Paul wore life like a loose garment and no matter what the situation a hurricane; co-caring with my sister Nancy of his mom and later my father or the death of a loved one Paul kept us smiling through all our tears.  

He made me laugh every time I was in his company and I loved when he kidded me it showed how much he cared.  He leaves behind of course my sister Nancy, her son Paul Daniel, his son Christopher a grandchild Jennifer and his brother Dan.  I will miss his quick wit and most of all his fearlessness in living life and accepting what would be his last breath.  

Paul was just on loan to us God needs him now.  

I’m Not Just Pitching Pennies at the Moon.

The good times are coming again. They just took a vacation a forced one because we sent them away. Now that we can see our own love light again they’re back and will stick around for an extended stay because we know how to make them comfortable so that they will never have to go away until God calls us home.  

Say Goodbye

Release from the energy vampires is in our control. We can live up to our responsibilities but we don’t have to hold onto the guilt some would remind us of on a regular basis. Animals only pay for their mistakes once it stands to reason that we can claim the same right.  

Wanna Fight?

My favorite spin instructor said that she loves a good fight. How do I feel about that? I would rather walk away from a fight than have one unless by not doing so would hurt more than my ego. There are times that we need to have a fight just because we need to establish boundaries. More often though it’s confrontation that we are faced with rather than a fight.  Most people shy from them when to do so might bring about a positive change for both contestants. 

Confrontations don’t always have to be acrimonious. In fact they are best handled the day after we feel compelled to have one. One day does wonders. It takes away the hyperbole that we are right and that they are wrong. Truth is that if we are in a disagreement with anyone can we really say that we are 100% right? Is the person we are having a problem with thinking the same thing? So if that is true isn’t it possible that we are complicit in the problem? If you stop and think about why they think they’re right we can get a better handle on what really is the basis of the discord?  

Wanna fight? Let’s think first and then speak our minds later.  

My Easter Sunday

Spending it alone was a good thing because it reminded me of the other 62 Easter’s I had with loved ones. Never take family or friends for granted and you will always have reverence for the precious time you do spend with them. 

Platonic Love With The Female Gender

Who’d a thunk that a man like me could have more female “friends” now than I have ever had in my entire lifetime? One could argue that as a sexagenarian I might have no choice in the matter but I know that’s truly not the case. That’s just my own self-confidence talking but it has nothing to do why my relationship with women has changed so dramatically. I never try to commiserate with any woman as to my relationship status because I am truly emotionally unavailable. I can still flirt but it stops right there. Platonic love with women affords me so many pleasures outside the “peak sensation” that I would never make a trade off. Firstly I get to talk to virtually any one of them. Those that I might have felt were inaccessible greet me with an open door policy.  They feel comfortable in my company and I in theirs.  Whether they are single, in a committed relationship or married it matters not. I let them know quickly so there is no mistake I have no agenda and I am not trying to make my “move”. Instantly they feel less threatened an open up to me without fear that I will use anything we say to each other against them. 

It’s kind of cool that no one thinks I’m a dirty old man because I’m not. When women are under 50 I either classify them as younger siblings or me being their fathers younger brother. Women more tender in age in there 20s and 30s are all my surrogate daughters so to speak. I usually address these women as “young one” so even they have no question in their mind. Hell that’s the google generation they think The Breakfast Club is an old movie and for the most part when I speak with them I see my words going right over their head. Not because they’re not intelligent but simply because if something happened before they were born it didn’t happen. Not an indictment just an observation. But I love talking to young women because this old dog still can learn a trick or two from eyes as fresh as theirs. 

Women in their 40s and 50s present an even better learning experience because they teach me how they want their men to be and let’s face it I want to stay hip despite my advancing years and in this age group I have found some of the deeper relationships I have cultivated. I love their maturity and we get to counsel each other free of charge as to why men do what they do and why women do what they do. It’s a live version of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Platonic relationships with women are a Godsend in my opinion. And guess what? Because I have forged these new alliances I have befriended their significant others and made friendships with the boys in the locker room as well. Platonic love with women it’s just the best.  

People like Kristen Finello, Stacy Tucker, Ferne Segal, Nancy Kaplan, Heather Blank, Michelle Koss but to name a few. Thanks to these women of spin who brought me their friendship. 

Prescription

Although we have a tendency to go off our meds at times it’s never wise to increase our dosage without having to suffer the consequences. 

Be Careful What You Wish For

You just might get it as the old cliché goes. If you focus on what you want with such intensity and forget why you want it when you get it, it might not be worth keeping. 

Catch My Fall

We all need someone to catch our fall. Inevitably even those of us with the most fortitude need a steadying hand to put us back in balance.  I sure as hell do and my ego screaming I can do it myself is but a whisper because when I am truly vulnerable I want the ones that truly love me to be there to catch my fall.  

Little By Slowly

Now I know why I don’t trust my conscious thought. It’s riddled with self-doubt, fear, foreboding and low self-esteem. My unconscious on the other hand is confident, highly creative, intuitive and serene on my worst day. The thinking Jack is dangerous only to one person: me.  I was never good enough, smart enough or worthy growing up. I allowed my father’s limited parenting skills to govern how I felt about myself. I am in no way blaming him because he did the best he could with the resources he had. I chose to feel the way I did about myself and that is one of my worst shortcomings to this day I allow the behavior of others whether they be strangers, friends or loved ones to govern my mood. A work in progress and I am changing little by slowly.  

The Story of My Life

I had just shed about 75 pounds in 4 months with the help of Weight Watchers and from that point in April of 1975 I launched some lifestyle changes. Some good and some well not so good.  

I began a running regimen that seemed normal at first but then it took over my life so to speak as I would be running 2 and sometimes 3 times a day. I used to call 5 mile runs “junk runs” I was out of control soon after my 1st marathon in NYC that September.  In ’75 it was the last New York City Marathon (begun in 1970) still conducted in Central Park. The race was 4 times around that deceptively grueling course around the perimeter and by the time I had hit “Heartbreak Hill” for the 4th and final time I was a gelatinous mass. How I was able to cross that finish line was a tribute to my temporary insanity rather than any athletic ability I may have possessed.  My first time underneath that digital clock read 3 hours 53 minutes and 34 seconds. That time respectable for my 1st I would eclipse by a full hour when the race took to the streets in 1976.  When I ever hear the Rocky Theme I remember the many “boom boxes” blaring that tune throughout the race. By the time I heard it for the 3rd time I began to loathe it.  

Running was My Great Escape and it was long after my namesake Steve McQueen starred in the epic in 1963. Most of my friends back then kept asking me what was I running from? I found out later they were on to something I certainly was oblivious to.  

Spin Room

I have asked the question whether or not some of my spin mates are actually my friends or not? I used to think no they’re just acquaintances or a “fraintance” as I had dubbed them. More than an acquaintance but less than a friend I thought. Was I ever wrong! In fact some of you actually bristled at the thought they were anything less than friends. I can name names if you want just ask me. When I raised the question about being picked up at the airport recently one of them said in no uncertain terms: I would have picked you up why didn’t you ask me? Imagine my surprise and I thought wow that voice in my head needs a muzzle. 

My friend (actual) said I wasn’t talking about friendship I was talking about inconvenience. It seemed natural that I didn’t want to impose on anyone and interrupt their day or night. In a way I was being selfish. Suppose they were not just willing to pick me up at the airport they wanted to spend some time with me. I never thought of that. There are people that actually like me (I said some for God’s sake) and being together might not be an inconvenience but a chance to catch up when we weren’t trying to catch our breath in one of Kristen’s classes. We could take a breather and spend quality time outside the bustle that precedes class and the rush to the locker when it’s over. 

Today I heard from someone we all love and I guess I’m not alone in these thoughts because they were feeling the same thing too! I’ve changed my mind indeed I have.  

They Say It's Your Birthday

They Say It’s Your Birthday

Well it’s my birthday too! Not too often do I get surprised on my birthday but today I did when friends like Ferne and Howard invited me for brunch this lazy Saturday morning. These two act in loving kindness all the time at least from what I can see and the patience and understanding they share with each other is a lesson I take to my bosom because I often forget that kindness includes myself not just being kind to others. Howard and Ferne treat themselves well and that’s why it follows suit they find it second nature to treat people like me with the same regard. I dig these two a lot! 

They say it’s your birthday. Well I got one of my gifts one day early this year.  

Taking Stock

Taking stock tells me I am still sober after 24 years, pretty fit, feel like my vocation is on the right track and I have got back to church each Saturday. And about once a month at St. Patrick’s I am up at the marble stepped podium reading a passage from the Prophet Isaiah. There’s a lot of wreckage of what is my life but all I can do is try to make amends live one day at a time and try to do the next right thing. 62.9 is not so bad after all and for the first time in my life I have people that are my friends and most important someone that loves me.