As I try to redefine my life once again I realize what the missing ingredient is. It is the love of myself. I don’t love Jack. I don’t even admire him. Oh I marvel at him sometimes when his problem-solving mind comes up with solutions to a complex set of circumstances but there really is no love of self-involved. I also realize that my feeling towards others is not the route to love or even lasting happiness for myself. In order for me to find this self-love the self-talk dialogue I speak has to be rewritten. Even when I use self-deprecating expressions about my age in order to get attention or be funny serves no purpose or function.
People pleasing has to make an unceremonious exit because it never seems to please people and often leaves me feeling anything but disdain for them and guilt for me. I want to do what I want to do but finding out just what that is I really don’t know yet. My wife had always said that I do what I want but that’s not really true because it’s often what someone else wants to do that I get swept up in and wind up being convinced it’s what I wanted to do in the first place. Now that I can do what I want virtually when I want maybe I will find out who I am and what I am.
I can tell you from personal experience not "loving yourself" didn't just happen , it has a long history. You were taught at some point that you are not lovable. As a result you failed to develop self love. As for people pleasing your judgement may be a little off the mark . Pleasing those that are deserving is just fine. Pleasing to gain their approval is suspect.
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