Across the Universe

The distance between where I was but a week ago and where I am right now feels like across the universe. As I meet situations head on and leave reticence aside for others to calculate I am finding that my ruminating about the subjects becoming virtually pain free and I have been able to leave taking responsibility to those that own it in the first place. I have so often looked for my culpability in every scenario.  I always find myself at fault in some way whether it is the proximating cause or specifically the cause. And as I am discovering I have been overcompensating way too often. I will of course take responsibility when I could have generated better results or I am engaged in mental or physical lethargy. This new course will change my thought process and give me more time to focus on what’s really important and not what actions those that could have acted on their own recognizance. 

The Journeyman

This weekend has brought me a sense of family back into my life even if it is not permanent in nature.  Nothing is permanent anyway but when we think things are about to change we focus on the future rather than be in the present moment. I have to stay rooted in the now because as I age even though I only have today my life feels ever more fleeting as one thing begins while the other is ending.  I don’t know where I am headed but I do know that my Guardian Angels are all around me and even if I don’t know the destination the journey will be a guided by province. 

Objurgation

After receiving two fierce objurgations from my soon to be ex-Sister in law last night, and a very spirited gesture with her middle finger I realized that I must have meant more to my blended family then they let on.   

My wife’s sister was no more than window dressing in my life for the past 13 years and we never had more than throw away dialogue between us. Although she and her husband always opened her home to me and for that I will always be grateful for. Outside of that she will be no more than a faint memory to me as time marches on. 

I was not enamored however with the fact that she alluded I was drinking.  I may be lousy husband material but breaking my sobriety was not something that was ever considered. She though might take a look at her own drinking patterns because I think that was the only reason she was able to summon the courage to accost me. I do want to thank her son for trying to restrain her as her husband stood by as the usual spectator. In truth it did hurt but even people I have little or no respect for seem to be able to attack my self-esteem. And maybe that was the lesson I have to learn.  I told my wife last night because I didn’t want her to hear it second hand and told from only one point of view. 

Spin class did help me erase what was truly a hateful little interlude. 

The Salt of Tears

Sadness comes in many forms and today it arrived in a package that I can’t seem to open because I am missing the dexterity to put it back in its original form.  I could never realize why a woman would want to be associated with me in the first place. Outside of kindness and a limited sensitivity I am not a captain of industry nor am I independently wealthy even though my grey cells are greater than the average Jack.

I have decisions to make and they’re not going to be easy. Do I sublimate my own needs to repair those of my significant other? She is a sweet vulnerable soul that makes my heart cry. Or do I keep on keeping on trying to raise my own sinking ship?  I have to think of myself first and that might require the most painful of choices.  

Angels in Conference

What has happened to me in the last few weeks has been nothing short of miraculous. It’s not what you might think and even though my relationship status has changed I will always be part of the past 13 years. I gave my heart and soul and that story will never be erased no matter how high the tide rises.  

As per usual I have gotten off topic again. As I was saying something happened in the past few weeks and just as if an 800 lb. Gorilla entered the room without me knowing it I feel like I have gotten off my own back.  Things are still nascent and my angels are in conference right now as we speak. I am relying on them more now and asking less and less questions. I know that they are there to guide me and I don’t need to know what the next chapter and verse is.  

I Love William Faulkner

Taking a page from William Faulkner I just love to sit and write without a plan without the editor inside my head that often stifles my afflatus. Well intentioned although it might be my ego cannot write nor can it edit. 

I know that purposeful writing has its place in my daily scribes, like I do when I write about spin or if I am talking about A.A. or mindful or fanciful entries but I think the best of me lies in what the universal mind offers me when the words just flow without coaxing without squeezing and without editing.  

A Thicker Stick

The major change is subtler now but the idea that I can do exactly what I want even if I don’t know what it is makes my day expand in ways that I never knew existed. Not to say that being married to my gentle soul my wife did not have many fantastic moments because they did, but now I can find out where I need to go in terms of what I need to make myself happy. One might conclude it’s all about sex but in truth that’s not it. I have had more than my fair share and that is not braggadocio just the path I found myself on because I did not work out my relationships with women tracing my history back to the death of my sister in 1969. She was my confidant and when she left this earth I never grieved her passing properly (whatever that means) and it left me angry and confused as to how I related to the opposite sex. But I have gotten on a tangent as I usually do and suffice it to say that my stick might be getting shorter but it just got a whole lot thicker.