A Spiritual Awareness

Can I avoid a letdown after today?  I think I can but I won’t have a clear perspective until I wake up in the morning, Sunday morning. Watching that first hour from the “cheering section” gave me the perspective I have never conceived of.  I have known for many months now just how devoted I am to spin but sitting there watching a 100 riders and 3 instructors told me something new I hadn’t even considered that I absolutely love to spin. Probably this is not such a revelation in view of the fact that you will find me in the Lavender Palace 6 days a week. 

A friend told me that when people get together like we did yesterday that we produce a spiritual awareness. I guess that it must be so.  It was the power of hundreds moving with one voice, a particular movement within their physiology and a single mindedness. It felt like a higher power was at work. I am not referring to God here, even though I thought he must be smiling at us creatures, I am talking about a power greater than ourselves. And certainly with that many people in one place feeling and doing is a lot more powerful than the mind of just one.  

It is Sunday and I feel not isolated today. I get that sometimes when I awake and everyone is deep in the somnolent state as I have stated before in other entries. Today there is nary a wrinkle in my smile and when I get close to those types of moving parts again my inhalation will be that much deeper and when I enter my 3rd space today and tomorrow that scent will fill me once more. 

Spendthrift

My life is so much more alive when I allow all my feelings to get exercised. There can be a cost of course but I am willing to spend the emotional coins to empty my pockets and place it in the turnstiles for the ride I was intended to take.  

A little metaphor for me today as it always lets me get a glimpse of what I am feeling at any particular moment. I know that my balance sheet is in the black and because of that fact I sleep well every night of my life now. I am free from guilt because I am kind, generous with my emotions and try to treat people with empathy and regard. This is my mantra and no one can tell me I don’t give enough. 

11 Years Ago Today

On the anniversary of my mother’s death from renal cancer some 11 years ago  I am reminded that at age 70 her life was cut short based on the life expectancy we are experiencing today. I can thank my mother for me never smoking because when I was a teen she offered me $300 dollars if I didn’t smoke by my 21st birthday. $300 was a lot of money back then considering that I washed dishes at Jones Beach for $1.25 an hour.  Of course there were other addictions she didn’t warn me about but those I would have to live and die through on my own. 

So it is with more impetus than I had originally expected I find myself at the Cycle for Survival event in Roslyn this Saturday and you can bet that my mom will be in my thoughts in every other pedal stroke. And in between will be dedicated to those I know and don’t know that are living through the big C right now.  Yes I will be blogging about it but I know that the energy will feel like I have wings. 

Apples & Grapes

 It has become readily apparent to me that not many can get their arms around my thought processes without coming up with their own form of illogic.  I don’t know why this is but that is the way that it is.  Either do I know why some people claim to have an inkling what I am thinking when they have no idea what their own thoughts are. 

Maybe not really a mind bending thought but it amazes me to think we have an understanding with people we love and it is sometimes thinking an apple tastes like an grape

The Death Knell

It’s now getting to be old hat that my wife doesn’t talk to me. I guess she thinks it’s a game or what I deserve. Little does she realize this has sent the death knell to this marriage. I have nothing in common with her now except to live under the same roof and keep her son and daughter in law housed as they continue to draw down on my bank account.

They went out again to dinner tonight and he and his wife go out to dinner more in a week’s time more than I do in a month of Sundays.  He has absolutely no problem telling me he’s broke but he has plenty of money to frequent restaurants on the money he’s not paying me.

My wife sits here knitting for a friend’s baby and sings to one of the expensive cats I bought her and continues to ignore me. I am just the breadwinner here and this is increasingly become a foul place for me to reside. This makes the pain she will feel all the more tolerable to me because of the pain she inflicts on me now.

A Shift In the Force

I have turned the corner, I think. This thing, now that I have a name to affix on it: Asthmatic Bronchitis. It provides me a portal to look through 1/0th the feeling of what my sister went through everyday of her abbreviated life.  

 I don’t give much thought to breathing except when I am spinning for an hour most mornings.  It seems my whole life I have been trying to catch my breath.  

This Saturday morning feels different though, not just because my URI is abating but there is definitely something different in the air. I am acknowledging that there are still members of my family that are encumbering me because of their lack of initiative, and I intuitively  know that all this will be over soon. I just need to take care of my needs and things will just fall into place because I have done the footwork and a closed mouth speaks louder than one that is constantly pressing air through it because it brings no results, none whatsoever.  

Cosmic Shift

All of a sudden I have felt a cosmic shift in my world. Part of it came from an increase in the level of my business the other part has manifested itself in that I have many more phone calls to answer.  And I have started to feel more lucid in just what the hell I want to make myself happy. For the past dozen or so years I have been engaged in making my blended family happy, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. 

That has changed as I shift my focus to a healthy selfish.  As I have coined my own phrase: The Stick is Getting Shorter, so too is my patience. I cannot tolerate this laissez faire attitude that my charges seem to take as to how they just don’t have to be motivated to contribute to the household that I am paying for in total. I don’t think I need to provide any more warning than I have given already when I do pull the plug. And that time is approaching